I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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