So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
