Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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