you have to choose: penises or morals?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize