I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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