I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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