Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
