I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
