Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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