I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
