I accidentally burped into my bong.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize