Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
