So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
