College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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