I am in a vortex of obligation.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
