The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
