When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
