Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
