2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
