Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
