The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize