Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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