just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize