By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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