I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
