I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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