As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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