i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
