I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
