My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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