Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
