Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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