this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize