How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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