before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
