Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
