you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
