Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
