Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
