final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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