Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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