You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
