Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
