I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
