Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We had to coat check the pizza.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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