Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
