I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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