She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
