sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
