Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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