he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
