I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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