I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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