You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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