I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
