i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
