There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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