So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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