I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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