Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
