So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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