Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
