Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
