I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
