shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
