When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the room spins SO much faster in panama
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
