WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
