my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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