The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
