I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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