it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
