So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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