I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
