you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
