Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
