dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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